Wednesday, September 7, 2011
I've compiled a list of things that I would want in a relationship with another man. I'm not actively pursuing this right now, but if and when I do, here's what I want:
1. I want a man that I can come home to every day, talk about how our day went and have dinner together.
2. I want a man to cuddle with.
3. I want to watch a movie with my man and have him lay his head in my lap while I play with his hair or give him a scalp massage.
4. I want a man to lay with me in bed as we listen to music together and talk about the specific things we like about each song or recording.
5. I want a man who will love me unconditionally. I have a sibling or two and my mom who love me in this way. But no one else loves me on that deep of a level. I have friends who love and care about me and would do anything for me. But there are still limitations. I want to give 100% of myself to someone and have that in return.
6. I want to take a long, hot bath with a man and wash each other in a loving and relaxing way.
7. I want to make plans for the future with a man who wants to build a life with me. I also want a man who is committed to doing good deeds and acts of service, a man who has a love of Jesus Christ like I do.
8. I want a man who supports me with my career and music goals and in turn, I want to support a man in his profession and be an anchor of support.
9. I want all access kissing and cuddling passes with a man, free to express love to each other in a physical way. I want to please a man in other physical ways too and be pleased in return, but to me, the meaningful forms of physical love like kissing, embracing, and touching are most wanted.
10. I want a man who thinks about me throughout the day, who can't wait to get home to me, who calls or texts to check in on me. I want a man who appreciates thoughtful gifts and expressions of my love to him.
Now, as I review this list, every single item is ok for me to want IF it's with a woman. But the small, minor detail that it happens to be a man that I want these things with magically makes these wants sinful and wrong. It's so hard for me to wrap my head around that concept. My list does not consist of whoring myself out and being promiscuous and irresponsible. It's totally about finding the love of my life and making a life together.
At the end of the day, I want the exact same things that straight LDS people want. Only one detail is different. I've spent my life trying to align my will with "God's will" and want these things with a woman. Instead of feeling like I am making progress and getting closer to that ideal, I feel further and further away from that. And I feel more and more like I want these things with a man.
I'm down to 3 options:
1. Pursue this list of wants with a woman and not be happy and fulfilled. Other guys find happiness but I honestly don't think I could.
2. Pursue this list of wants with a man and feel happy and fulfilled, but feel the wrath of the Church and possibly God.
3. Do away with this list of wants and form a different list of wants. I've always been focusing on another list with righteous desires and good things. But I'm at a point where I want to pursue things on this list like everyone else gets to do.