My last post served as a shout out to married gay men for their commitment to their spouses and families. I wonder how some gay men (in the LDS church and otherwise) are able to marry a woman, let alone date a woman while others like me don't even have an interest in asking a girl out. As I think about this, a few questions come to mind:
1. Is your level of attraction to men just not as strong as my level of attraction? I believe that attraction is attraction and that everyone is attracted to both genders to some degree. Now, that might not really translate to physical attraction. But I think that straight men are attracted to various things about other men and enjoy spending "bro time" together. And I believe that gay men like me can be attracted to women in ways that are non-physical. Throughout my life, I've had a handful of girls who I've become extremely close with, but we've never crossed the line of being physical and I have no interest in dating them or having a romantic relationship with them. I absolutely love their company and spending time with them, but that's it. It's not me being a snob and totally shutting the door to women, but the thought of asking a girl out is painful for me to consider. So, within this range of attraction (I should specify a range of physical attraction), I think some men are nearer to the middle than I am. Some of you who are married were physically attracted enough to your wives to ask them out on a first date, to marry them, to have children with them. I admire that, but I don't even have the desire at all to ask a girl to go on a date. Am I falling short? Is my attraction to men stronger than yours? Are you doing things I'm not? I think in many ways, I'd be an ideal husband to a woman, but where many of you can make things happen in the physical aspect of a relationship, I would completely hate the experience.
2. Are you just more righteous than me? Maybe you are more diligent in righteous living and keeping the commandments and so you can manage your attractions more easily? I have always believed that we are blessed when we do as the Lord asks and that our weaknesses can be turned into strengths with the Lord's help. But I've got to be honest: I feel like I've been pretty righteous (in a non-proud way) and I seem to be so much more attracted to men and so much less attracted to women than others who of you who aren't even active in church anymore. I can always do more, sure, but I go to church every week, I serve in my callings diligently, I've never smoked or drank in my life, etc and yet...I have absolutely no desire to date women. I've spent hours in prayer and acts of service as I've tried to figure out a way to do what I'm supposed to do (date and marry a woman) and yet it's like pushing a boulder that won't move an inch. Yes, all that matters is that I'm pushing the boulder, but to me, that's not all that matters. I need more out of life. So, there are many of you who are more righteous, but on this point, I just wanted to state that it's not for lack of truly trying to live the gospel that I'm not attracted in the least to women. Are you just kind of attracted to men where I'm totally attracted to men? I know that it's not my acts or my righteousness that will save me, it's all about the Savior. But I wish my dedication to living the gospel as taught in the LDS church resulted in less attraction to men and more attraction to women like it seems to do for so many of you.
These are the main things I think of when I see gay men in the church who are married. I see guys writing books and attending workshops and living these happy, meaningful lives. They seem so content and grateful and carefree. They seem to have figured it out and I wonder why the hell I haven't yet when I seem to be doing the same things. It's kind of like some men are born with 10 toes while others are born with 7 toes while others are born with 3. Those who have 10 toes can walk much more easily but might be missing a finger. Those who are born with 7 toes have a harder time walking, but they can walk much more easily than those with 3 toes. I feel like many of you have 7 toes compared to my 3 toes. Does that make sense?
This isn't meant to be a "poor me" post. I'm actually pretty upbeat and try as hard as I can to see the positive things in life. I know how healing true gratitude can be. But I sit here scratching my head, wondering how many can make the commitment to give your life to a woman and build a life with her when I can't even give a woman a 2nd date. I could give a man everything, all that I own, all that I possess, all that I am, everything! I could do so in a heartbeat but that's a sin. So if I'm going to figure out how to give that to a woman, how can I begin without me feeling so forced? If men are that they might have joy, then why would marrying a woman bring me so much unhappiness? I really don't think I'm less righteous. Is my level of attraction stronger and therefore, the degree of difficulty is higher? Will God keep that in mind? Or does He expect me to marry a woman and have kids just as much as all of you? I know that no blessing will be withheld from those that are righteous, but I don't want to wait another 34 years to experience what so many of you seem to be experiencing when it comes to finding a partner and building a life with them. I honestly feel like a priest who has sworn to a life of celibacy. Is that really what the Lord wants for me? Those seem to be my 2 options: A life of celibacy as a single man or a loveless marriage to a woman. Neither option is appealing at all. Feeling like I have to choose between the two is a great source of sadness and anxiety to me when I am otherwise a very happy person.
I'm looking for loving, thoughtful and non-judgmental responses on this one please.